To understand why American
sport is a lesser place with the death of comedian George Carlin last Sunday,
it's probably best to offer a sample of his work. Here then are the opening
lines from the late 71-year-old's last, great stand-up tour.
"I'd like to begin by
saying 'F**k Lance Armstrong.' F**k him and his balls and his bicycles and his
steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb, empty expression on his face. I'm
tired of that asshole. And while you're at it, 'F**k Tiger Woods, too'. There's
another jackoff I can do without. I'm tired of being told who to admire in this
country. Aren't you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be? Being told
who you outta be looking up to; I'll choose my own heroes thank you very
much!"
There are iconoclasts and
then there was Carlin. In a country where most local libraries won't stock any
book questioning the veracity of Armstrong's achievements and Woods exists in a
place beyond criticism, it was at least refreshing to hear this cranky
old-timer question the received wisdom on the most revered pair of contemporary
American athletes. Of course, he made his career questioning the orthodoxy of
everything and, along the way, also managed to figure in a US Supreme Court
judgment.
In 1972, one of his 23 albums
featured a routine called 'The Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say on
Television'. Arrested on obscenity charges for reprising it during a
performance in Wisconsin, the comic ran into more trouble when a New York radio
station played a clip that listeners found offensive. The whole brouhaha
culminated in the highest court in the land deciding in 1978 that the
government had the right to regulate language on radio and television.
The future comedian and
lightning rod for free speech advocates was raised in an Irish-Catholic family
in the Bronx. He later eschewed religion and all faiths became legitimate
targets for his savage wit. Even his detractors had to admit he treated the
various deities with just the same irreverence afforded every other topic under
the sun. Sport offered fecund ground too.
"Swimming isn't a
sport," said Carlin. "Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's
just common sense. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere.
Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the f**k should sailing be a sport?"
Even if his suggestion that
all golf courses should be transformed into housing for the homeless was a tad
extreme, the most devout amateur player can possibly see a grain of truth in
his more considered assessment of their beloved hobby.
"Golf is a game that
might possibly be fun if it could be played alone. But it's the vacuous,
striving, superficial male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes
it such a repulsive pastime."
His was not the comedy of
the pithy one-liner or the elaborate gag. Often times, it was more about being
thought-provoking than trying to be downright funny. No matter how out there
his arguments, they always seemed strangely commonsensical and shot through
with a desire to ridicule the pompous. Witness his simplistic and inevitably
controversial take on steroids.
"The body is nothing
more than one more piece of equipment, anyway. So why not improve it with new
technology? Athletes use weights, why shouldn't they use chemicals? Consider
the Greek Pheidippides, a professional runner who, in 490 BC, ran from Athens
to Sparta and back to ask the Spartans for help against the Persians in an
upcoming battle that threatened Athens. Don't you think his generals would have
been happy to give him amphetamines if they had been available? And a nice pair
of New Balance high-performance running shoes while they were at it? Grow up,
purists. The body is not a sacred vessel, it's a tool."
It wasn't all negative and
caustic. There were times Carlin could wax poetic too. His curt dismissals of
every code from soccer to ice hockey were put in some context by his enduring
love of baseball. Perhaps his most famous monologue beyond "The seven
dirty words" consisted of a lengthy dissertation on the difference between
it and American football.
"Baseball is a
19th-century pastoral game. Football is a 20th-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park! Football is
played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War
Memorial Stadium. Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall (autumn), when everything's dying. In football you
wear a helmet. In baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs -
what down is it? Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
"In football the object
is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with
his aerial assault, riddling the defence by hitting his receivers with deadly
accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short
bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory,
balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes
in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to
go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!"
An epitaph if ever there was
one.
(published in the
Sunday Tribune, June, 2008)
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