Employer:
Football
Association of Ireland. Based in Dublin, this is a world-famous sports
organisation that demands the best of its employees and its fans, renowned for
its ability to produce labyrinthine financial accounts, to promote sell-out friendlies
involving foreign clubs, and to stick its head in the sand regarding the lack
of quality youngsters being developed in Ireland.
Salary:
Negotiable – depending on whether our Sugar Daddy who helps us out with running
the show thinks you are worth six or seven figures. Put it this way: if you
have a foreign accent and a bit of a reputation, we can probably guarantee you
more than if you are a native. Wages can also be supplemented by a handy few
bob in endorsements if the national economy picks up and the team starts
winning. Eh, perhaps best not to factor either of those into your earnings just
yet.
Qualifications:
It would help if you can speak English but it’s not essential because some of
our players aren’t that fluent in it anyway. We aren’t the kind of high-maintenance
association that will make you learn the language just because you are drawing
down over a million euros per year. We also find that the inability to speak
the language helps avoid awkward questions from reporters. Not to mention that
when in trouble in press conferences resorting to some sort of impersonation of
Manuel from Fawlty Towers can be a charming way out of trouble. Also, having an
attractive female interpreter has been known to serve as a cute distraction in
times of crisis. Something to bear in mind.
Experience.
The last guy we had was one of the most experienced managers still working in
the game. He’d seen and done it all. However, before that we opted for a poor
chap who was an assistant at Walsall where his main job was coaching the
defenders. So, as you can see, we are open to just about anybody who has ever
kicked a ball or managed a team as long as he’s not from Cork and is not obsessed
with excellence and overachieving and all that uppity nonsense. Anybody who has
ever pointed out the deficiencies in the FAI and muttered any blasphemy about
the blazers being treated better than those who wore the jersey need not apply
either.
Location:
Well,
now that you mention it, this one is a bit tricky. You can live in any country
you want but we’d like you to travel to Britain at the weekends to watch our
best players playing and to try to ascertain the usual boring stuff involving what
kind of form they are in, what sort of positions they are being played in etc…Now,
if you have an impressive enough CV, we might look the other way on this score
and just bang you over a few DVDS every Sunday night. We had that arrangement
with the last fella and it worked out fine until the results started going bad.
Then we made him get on a plane every so often just to give the supporters one
less thing to moan about. Again, this one is negotiable. From time to time you
will have to show your face around Ireland though. Our incredibly hard-working
chief executive has visited 5 million clubs over the past two years and he’d
like you to pop along with him the odd time especially if there’s a pitch or a
trophy being named after him (this happens a lot). Maybe if you are good enough
at your job, they might name something after you too. In fact, let’s put that
in as a bonus perk of the position.
Additional
requirements: You must not be a fan of the Champions’
League. None of our players really play there anymore and the way things are
going that situation is unlikely to change during your tenure. We do have one
guy with Celtic who might be mixing it with the best players in the world this
season but he hasn’t been in the international squad for a while, not since his
life began to read like a sample script from an especially bizarre episode of
Love/Hate. Anyway, what we’re trying to say is you better tape the Barcelona
and Bayern matches because you’ll be spending your Tuesday nights knocking
around the Championship and League One (Wolverhampton is lovely in November).
The grounds are much smaller but the atmosphere can be just as good.
The successful
candidate must also be willing to accept unusual practices. International caps
are often given out to players in airport bars. The chief executive is a YouTube
sensation who likes to go onto the pitch after winning important games to sing
with the fans and to offer them his green tie. No matter how bad things are,
manager must be able to put on a brave face and pretend things are looking up
and the future is bright. Again, lack of basic English may be a boon in this
regard.
How
to apply: Send a CV to Stephen Driver at FAI Human Resources.
It might also not hinder your candidacy if you run a parallel campaign in the
media. Get people who are still “in” with the leaders of the game in Ireland to
talk up your credentials on television and radio and in print. Start with a
well-placed leak to a newspaper or with a hefty wager on yourself up to push
you up near the top of the board in the betting shops. Then get somebody to
talk about how you are a great man-manager, the kind players love to play for.
Whatever you do, don’t let anybody mention how your teams were usually dour and
unattractive but capable of eking out results. We have to convince our fans the
new guy will make the team more entertaining.
Closing
date for applications: We aren’t sure yet. That’s the way
we operate.
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